The chain kept receipts

Wallet Roast reads a Robinhood Chain wallet the way the blockchain already does, publicly and without forgiveness, then turns what it finds into a scored, typed, mintable roast card. It is an independent project made for entertainment. It is not affiliated with Robinhood, and it is not financial advice. It is barely advice at all.

Eleven ways to be seen

Every wallet lands in exactly one of these. The rules are fixed; only your history moves.

The GhostFewer than five transactions. Exists on paper. Has not been seen.
Fresh MeatTwo weeks old at most and already pressing every button in reach.
Gas DonorOverpays for gas so reliably that validators should send a thank-you card.
Error EnthusiastAt least 15% of transactions reverted. Learned nothing from any of them.
NFT ArchaeologistHoards NFTs on a chain that barely has any. Digging where nobody buried anything.
The MachineThousands of transactions over dozens of days. Either a bot or should be.
The Contract TouristTouches every new contract once, then leaves. Never stays for the ending.
Serial ClickerHundreds of transactions, no specialty, no plan. Just clicks.
Diamond Hands by AccidentVanished for four months or more, then came back. Forgot the wallet existed.
Robinhood NativeSteady, months of activity, actually knows where things are. A local.
Casual ResidentDrops in now and then, does something sensible, leaves. Suspiciously normal.

Cross-examination

What exactly do you read?

Public onchain data for the wallet you sign in with, and nothing else: transactions, contract calls, reverts, token transfers, and NFT holdings on Robinhood Chain (chain id 4663), pulled from the public Blockscout explorer and RPC. If a block explorer can see it, so can we. If it cannot, neither can we.

Can you touch my funds?

No. Sign-in is a Sign-In with Ethereum message: an off-chain signature that grants no approvals and no spending power. The only transaction we ever ask you to send is the mint, and you review it in your own wallet like any other.

Is the roast random? Is it AI?

Neither. A versioned rules engine computes your scores, picks your archetype, and selects the roast lines. The same wallet at the same block with the same engine version gets the same roast, and the analysis hash on your card lets anyone check the receipt.

Who can see my roast?

You, and only you, until you publish a share link. Shared pages show the card, a shortened address, and headline stats. The full analysis stays private.

What does minting actually put onchain?

Your archetype, degen score, headline counts, engine version, and analysis hash. The contract draws the NFT image itself from those values, so your roast survives even if this site does not.

Can I get a better roast?

Yes. Behave differently onchain and rescan. Each scan is pinned to a block, so old roasts stay exactly as bad as they were.